This one is for journal purposes...

I debated on whether or not I should blog about this... but I feel I need to for journal purposes. In October one night I was so sick to my stomach and had a quick thought of, "Hm, I haven't had a period in awhile. Maybe I should take a pregnancy test." Keeping in mind we had already been trying for 2 years. And me being late was not a surprise since I had a cyst rupture in August and I spotted all month long. The next morning I got up for church and took a pregnancy test (one of those HCG type). After I took the test I realized there weren't directions as to how to read the results. I called my friend, Sarah, and asked her how I would know. She said, "Well, I am pretty sure that if there is only one line then it's negative. If there are two lines, it's positive. What does it say?" I was shocked! There were two lines!!! One was faint, but it was there! Andy couldn't believe it either so he asked me to do another test... sure enough, two lines again.

We went to church as a family and both Andy and I could hardly contain ourselves. I was smiling the whole time and Andy won't admit it, but he was too. We were so excited that we even started looking at cars with 3rd row seats online after church. We talked a ton about the baby and when it would be due, what we should name it, and if we thought it was a boy or a girl.

Later that evening I went to listen to Sister Beck. She came to speak to our region and it was crazy packed in the church!!! We went an hour early and barely got a seat. I was so impressed by all the things she talked about but the thing that stood out the most was when she talked about the atonement. She said, "When we are filled with joy... that's the atonement." My heart was so full of joy I couldn't keep it in anymore. I began to cry and at that moment I truly felt the atonement and the love of the Savior.

The next morning I got up at 5:00 to go run with my friend. As I went to the bathroom I immediately started to bleed. After cleaning up I climbed back into bed and Andy said, "I thought you were going running." I started to sob and he then said, "What's the matter?" I told him what happened and he put his arms around me and just held me. The doctor's office didn't open till 8:00 so there was nothing I could do for 3 hours.... so I just cried. Andy stayed with me till he couldn't wait any longer to get to work and that was great for me.

Once I was able to get a hold of my doctor's nurse she set up an appointment for me to have an ultrasound and a visit with the doctor. Andy joined me and we went in for the ultrasound. All they could tell me at that point was that there was a blood clot. It didn't mean anything to them except that it could be really early in the pregnancy that nothing has formed yet, or that I really did lose the baby and they have no idea how far along I was. I visited with the doctor and he said that we needed to get my blood tested to see if my beta levels were going up or down. So we headed over to the lab to draw my blood.

Wednesday rolled around and I still hadn't heard from the nurse so I gave her a quick call. She called back and said, "Did you come back in for another test this morning or was it just Monday?" I told her I was only instructed to do it Monday (I even asked the lab tech if I needed to come back in later). She was a little surprised and said, "Well, anything above a 5 is a positive pregnancy. You were at a 35. I need you to come back in tomorrow and test your blood again to see if those levels are going up or down." She gave me her direct number and told me to call her a few hours after I went in and she would have my chart with her.

That evening I had to go to our joint mutual activity since Beehives were in charge. We had planned to go to the corn maze which is something I always look forward to... it didn't seem to have the same excitement. Even the bishop asked if everything was okay. I told him, "Please don't ask questions. I don't want to cry right now." He asked, "Is everything okay at home?" It dawned on me that he probably thought my marriage was struggling or something similar. So I answered, "Our marriage is fine, our girls are fine. Just please don't ask anymore questions because I will start to cry." He left it at that... but I still cried to my friend, Sarah, in the corn maze.

Thursday morning I went in to get tested again. It seemed to be the longest few hours of my life waiting for the results. I called the nurse and she said she would call back as soon as she got the results. Shortly after she called and told me that my levels had gone down to a 25. I wasn't that surprised since I knew in my heart that I had already lost the baby, but there was still that glimmer of hope I was hanging on to. Sarah happened to be at my house helping me prepare for our Halloween party the next day. She seemed to be more emotional about it that I did, but I so hate to cry in front of people. Once she left I began to sob and could not stop. And later my friend, Erin, stopped by to see how I was doing. (She also knew everything that was going on.) I explained what happened and she said, "Cancel the party! Nobody cares about the money. Or just post pone it." I told her my reasons why it was still on and she said, "Okay, but if anyone says anything negative to you... you just point and I'll kick them in the face!" I laughed and thanked her... because it might be something I needed the next day.

Friday evening rolled around and I was not looking forward to all of the party coming together. It was a lot of work and usually at the moment everyone starts coming in costume I get really excited. And we usually have awesome costumes we keep secret till that night, but we were completely out of the mood that we dressed up as marathoners. We wore our St. George marathon shirts, medals, and sunglasses. It was totally lame, but I didn't care. Right at the beginning I lost it and started yelling at some guy that I know was joking... but I couldn't handle even the smallest bit of sarcasm. After that everything else went well for the most part. Everyone that talked to me afterward said it was so much fun. My response was, "I'm glad we can go out with a bang."

It was probably the most emotional week I've ever had, but the more I am able to talk about it the more I feel at peace. I don't know why I've lost 3 babies, but I have faith that the Lord has a plan for our family and I will understand it later. It might be in this life or not, but I know someday I will understand.

I thought we were getting over the hard part of healing when we took a turn. In November I attended our ward's Fabulous Friday (like a Super Saturday). Just before I left my stomach started to hurt a bit. I blew it off as indigestion. The whole time I sat and listened to the speaker I felt very uncomfortable. We went into the gym to work on our crafts and still laughed and had a good time visiting with friends, but I was still hurting. Brook turned to me and said, "You better get that fixed because we are still going running in the morning!" I laughed and told her I really did want to run with her. After awhile I thought, "Okay, this is getting a little ridiculous. I need to get up and walk around. Maybe some movement will help." I took about three steps and Brigetta must have seen it in my face. She said, "I need to wash my hands anyway, I'll go to the bathroom with you." As we walked down the hall she asked if I was okay. I told her my stomach hurt really bad, but thought I'd try going to the bathroom to see if that helped. I was wrong!!! I happened to be wearing my baggy pants and afterwards I couldn't even zip them up! Brigetta said, "I'll go gather up your stuff and pull your car around." After she walked out of the bathroom I had a rancid feeling in my stomach and felt like I was going to pass out. I looked in the mirror and saw my face go ghostly white. I started to sit down and completely collapsed. Brigetta didn't have her cell so I texted my friend, Melissa, to come help me. She walked in and said, "Is this a joke?" (Andy thought that was a dedicated joke to lay down on the bathroom floor.) I assured her it was not and that something was wrong but I didn't know what. Brigetta came back and helped Melissa get me out of the bathroom. We tried getting to the car but it seemed near impossible. Brigetta finally said, "This is ridiculous! I'm going to take your girls to my house and I'm sending Andy back to take you to the emergency room." Melissa waited with me and I felt like an idiot since the only position I could stand being in was on my hands and knees. For some reason it felt like it relieved some pressure. In fact that is how I rode to the hospital when Andy arrived.

It took us 20 minutes to get from our car to the ER doors because I could only take a baby step or two and then I would stop. The staff came out and asked if I needed a wheel chair but I refused because it hurt to sit. Once we got inside they had a bed waiting to wheel me into the room. They ran a tests on my blood, got me started on an IV, and got morphine in my system. The doctor came in and told me, "Your blood work came back stone cold normal." I was already irritated with him because he seemed to look at me like I was being a baby about a stomach ache. So then they did a CAT scan which I was very reluctant to do because I knew they were extremely expensive. They insisted that is what they needed to do. The doctor came back to the room and said, "The radiologist needs to take a look to make sure I'm not missing anything minor, but it looks like you have gas and a backed up stool system." At that point I was freaking ticked off! (He must have heard me griping to Andy through the crack in the door.) I told Andy that was a load of crock! Andy tried to explain that sometimes their hospice patients are in the most pain when they are trying to have a bowel movement. I didn't disagree with that, but I am very regular... and I didn't think gas pains would make you pass out in the bathroom. The doctor came back in the room and said, "Well, it looks like you have a lot of free standing fluid in your abdomen and left fallopian tube. We'll need to do an ultrasound. They'll have to insert the probe vag---" I cut him off and said, "I know how it works!" He then asked if I had any questions. I told him, no, I just needed to go to the bathroom really bad. He left and when the nurse came in she said, "Okay, it's best if this is done with a full bladder." I said, "You're kidding me!" She was surprised and asked why I said that. I responded, "Well, because I just emptied it... twice!!!" So then they decided to put a catheter in and fill up my bladder!!! Then I had to wait about 30 minutes before I was taken in for the ultrasound. When I got in there the tech said, "Oh, my goodness. They didn't need to do this. It's best if your bladder is empty." I was on fire I was so mad! I went to the bathroom and then she proceeded with the ultrasound. It hurt so bad I cried through the whole thing. They concluded that I had a cyst rupture. They sent me home with pain med and anti nausea prescriptions and told me to make a follow up appointment with my OB/Gyn. We got home about 4:00 in the morning and it was still a long night with the pain.

Monday morning I went in to see the doctor for my follow up. They did 2 more ultrasounds and then I visited with the doctor. He said, "I wanted to do the ultrasounds to cover all my bases before I operated." He continued to ask how the pain was and then explained that it was a corpus luteum cyst that ruptured through a blood vessel. I had no idea what that was and how it was different from any other cyst. He said that a corpus luteum is in the ovary when an egg is released. If the egg is fertilized it stays in there and gives nutrients to the placenta. If the egg doesn't get fertilized or if you miscarry then it's supposed to dissolve and go away on it's own. In my case it filled up and ruptured through a blood vessel. He told me that is why it was so painful and that I will be in a lot of pain for awhile. It takes most women 7-10 days to recover. He sent me home free of charge for the ultrasounds and visit with more pain meds and more anti-nausea pills. Apparently I was lucky because a lot of times when that happens the ovary will twist. I even talked to a gal in my ward who said she had had one and they ended up removing her whole ovary.

I was flat on my back for a full week! Any time I would sit up I would get extremely nauseated after about half an hour. It was so frustrating because I felt like I would be less stir crazy if I could do some cross stitching or something, but I couldn't even sit up. I now have a new respect for anyone who is on bed rest. Andy was teasing me at the end because I got so bored I started watching Glee! Thank goodness I had at least Netflix to keep me company.

Brigetta and Sarah were so great to step in and take my kids because I couldn't take care of them myself. Bless Andy's heart... he would get the girls off to school and then pick them up on his way home from work. He would come home, make dinner, help with homework, bathe the girls, and get them off to bed. He was literally being daddy and mommy the whole week... plus waiting on me. I'm not sure how, but he made it through and didn't complain at all.

This is the reason I've stayed away from blogging for awhile, but if you are still reading you deserve a medal! We are back to normal around here and the holidays were good. We spent Thanksgiving in Utah with the Wyne's side and stayed here for Christmas with my mom and family. We spent an evening with Mindy and her family just before the new year since Andy's parents were in town, and then we spent New Year's Eve with friends at our house. Life seems to be crazy, but back to routine.