Another hard day...

As stated in the previous post we went in early this morning for surgery. We had to be there by 6:30 and I barely slept 3 hours last night. When we got there it took awhile before they took us back for pre-op. Finally we were able to meet with the doctor. We asked lots of questions and really he didn't have many answers. He said we could spend thousands upon thousands of dollars trying to find out why things happened the way they did to end up with the same answer, "We don't know." They rolled me in for surgery about 9 and thank goodness I was under general anesthesia so I just went to sleep. When I woke up I was pretty sore and my throat is a little tender, but not too bad. Soon after Andy was able to come back and sit with me. And then we were out of there about noon.

Sammy had lunch today with Aunt Brigetta and Grandma because she was student of the week. We learned from Brigetta that some child may have spilled the beans to Sammy, but didn't know for sure. Then just before the bus arrived I received a text from a friend saying that she saw Sammy at school and she had mentioned I was sick and Andy took me to the doctor. She asked if everything was okay and so on. From there Andy and I decided we needed to tell the girls before they heard the news from someone else.

Sammy came home from school and Brigetta dropped off Ashley and Katie. We told the girls that we needed to talk to them and to come sit on our bed. Sammy immediately said (in a very concerned tone), "Can we get to the point? What is wrong with mom? Why is she so sick?" We proceeded to tell the girls what happened yesterday and then today. Katie doesn't quite understand it all... but Sammy and Ashley both started to cry... then sob. They had a lot of questions that we tried our best to answer. We reminded them that our reason coming to this earth is to gain a body and that our little baby did what it needed. And because families are forever we will be with that baby again someday. Ashley said things like, "I wanted this baby to stay so badly. I wanted it to be with us so we could play with it." And Sammy said things like, "We were so close" and "It hurts so bad... in my heart." They are heartbroken just as much as Andy and I and Sammy amazes me with the things she asked. She is very bright and truly does understand everything going on. She was alone with me and said, "I just can't stop crying." I told her that was okay and that she can cry as long as she needed to. She then said, "Mom, I might cry at school." The poor girl is going to struggle with this just as I thought. I wish there was something I could do to help them. It's not easy going through this, but it's certainly just as hard to see my girls hurt for their loss, too.

Very Sad Day

For awhile I've been feeling like something was wrong with the baby, but kept shrugging it off since I didn't have any real reason to be worried. Yesterday, especially, my feeling was strong. By about 8 o'clock last night I was cramping... which I had happen before and went to bed early to rest and stay hydrated. My 16 week appointment was scheduled for Monday, but when I got up this morning the cramping was still pretty strong and I had a small amount of spotting. So I called the nurse and started crying. I told her I felt like something was wrong with my baby. She got me in for an ultrasound as soon as possible.

Andy came home from work and I took Katie over to Brigetta's house. As soon as the ultrasound tech put the Doppler on my tummy I knew... There wasn't a heartbeat and no movement whatsoever. She told me the dreaded news and I began to sob uncontrollably. We then met with the doctor and his nurse... Both were emotional, too. (I really do have the best care with them.) The doctor said he didn't know why our baby died, but assured me it had nothing to do with anything I did, even my running. We had already had 2 ultrasounds. And the last time I had gone in I had just done a 4 mile run and the baby looked great. The heartbeat was a steady and strong 154 and I was told I only had a 3% chance of miscarriage from that point.

Andy says he doesn't want to talk about it because he gets weepy. He never cries... and we've been through a lot. He says this one felt real for him and it's difficult to lose his baby, too. We aren't quite sure how or when to tell the girls. They were all so excited and wanted to tell everyone. Sammy was especially excited and would tell everyone. I worry that she's going to be heartbroken because she is old enough to understand what's going on. In fact when she came home from school today she felt something was wrong. She said, "Mom, you look really, really sick." Both Katie and Ashley would rub my belly and talk to the baby. Occasionally they would hug me, talk to the baby for a second, then kiss my tummy and run off to play.

I know in time we'll recover from this, too. We'll feel peace in the future, but for now it hurts our hearts. We appreciate all the words of comfort people have already sent... but please, please don't feel offended if we don't answer doors or phones. It's hard to deal with things like this and nobody really knows what to do or say, and neither do we. I go in for surgery tomorrow morning and hopefully we can have more answers.

We love you very much our darling baby and will miss you tremendously. We will think of you often and look to the day we will be reunited. Love, Mommy, Daddy, and all your big sisters.