Very Sad Day

For awhile I've been feeling like something was wrong with the baby, but kept shrugging it off since I didn't have any real reason to be worried. Yesterday, especially, my feeling was strong. By about 8 o'clock last night I was cramping... which I had happen before and went to bed early to rest and stay hydrated. My 16 week appointment was scheduled for Monday, but when I got up this morning the cramping was still pretty strong and I had a small amount of spotting. So I called the nurse and started crying. I told her I felt like something was wrong with my baby. She got me in for an ultrasound as soon as possible.

Andy came home from work and I took Katie over to Brigetta's house. As soon as the ultrasound tech put the Doppler on my tummy I knew... There wasn't a heartbeat and no movement whatsoever. She told me the dreaded news and I began to sob uncontrollably. We then met with the doctor and his nurse... Both were emotional, too. (I really do have the best care with them.) The doctor said he didn't know why our baby died, but assured me it had nothing to do with anything I did, even my running. We had already had 2 ultrasounds. And the last time I had gone in I had just done a 4 mile run and the baby looked great. The heartbeat was a steady and strong 154 and I was told I only had a 3% chance of miscarriage from that point.

Andy says he doesn't want to talk about it because he gets weepy. He never cries... and we've been through a lot. He says this one felt real for him and it's difficult to lose his baby, too. We aren't quite sure how or when to tell the girls. They were all so excited and wanted to tell everyone. Sammy was especially excited and would tell everyone. I worry that she's going to be heartbroken because she is old enough to understand what's going on. In fact when she came home from school today she felt something was wrong. She said, "Mom, you look really, really sick." Both Katie and Ashley would rub my belly and talk to the baby. Occasionally they would hug me, talk to the baby for a second, then kiss my tummy and run off to play.

I know in time we'll recover from this, too. We'll feel peace in the future, but for now it hurts our hearts. We appreciate all the words of comfort people have already sent... but please, please don't feel offended if we don't answer doors or phones. It's hard to deal with things like this and nobody really knows what to do or say, and neither do we. I go in for surgery tomorrow morning and hopefully we can have more answers.

We love you very much our darling baby and will miss you tremendously. We will think of you often and look to the day we will be reunited. Love, Mommy, Daddy, and all your big sisters.