Life continues to go on...

We are still here.  I've been told several times to please update my blog.  It's been hard to jump back into the blogging world since my last post, though.  I will say life continues to go on.  My heart still aches deeply for my baby and at times for no other reason I break down and cry.  I was released from my calling of nearly 2 and a half years in young women's.  I love them very much, but it was time.  With that being said, I hate going to Relief Society.  It's been about 6 years since I went to RS on a weekly basis due to my callings.  (I've been in YW and Primary for quite a  long time.)  I feel very awkward there and am not really sure what I'm supposed to do.  A few weeks ago I attended my mom's ward and the lesson was on parenting... that sucked!  It hit me very hard and I was sobbing in the back with my mom on my right and my sisters to my left.  It was embarrassing to go into the "ugly" cry.  After it was over I buried my head in my mom's neck and shoulder and wept as she clung to me.  I'm hoping that things will get better with that part of life, but for now I don't like going.

Andy has been great through this whole process.  It took me a very long time to even get out of bed and he not once was impatient with me or even complained.  For a long time he got up, got the girls off to school, went to work, came home, made dinner (or answered the door to whomever was bringing it that day), and got the girls off to bed.  In addition he would deal with neighbors, friends, and family and all their questions and concerns.  I wouldn't answer my phone, emails, texts, and especially the door.  People were very kind to respect my wishes and didn't take that offensively, but Andy still had to be the bridge between me and the rest of the world.  Here is the letter I sent to our RS president and then she forwarded it on to the rest of the sisters in our ward.  This is probably redundant to some of you and I apologize.  FYI, this is for my friends and family in the blogging world as well:

Dear sisters,

So many of you have done things for me this last month that if I gave each of you a hand written note it would take me a year to complete all of them.  I'm hoping you will forgive me and accept this general thank you note to all of you.  In addition I know a lot of you have asked about me and even my family and closest friends are unsure how to answer.  Thus the reason for this letter. 

As you know I miscarried for the 4th time and this one was by far the hardest.  We had already had a couple ultrasounds and heard the baby's strong heartbeat.  We were told that I only had a 3% chance of a miscarriage from that point on and were pretty much in the clear.  Things were going very well when I started to have a feeling something was wrong.  I spoke with a few of you about those feelings and even ventured the idea I might be having a child with special needs or a rare disease.  It didn't take long after having those thoughts that I knew that wasn't what was wrong.  The very next day I called my nurse and broke down.  She got me in that day for an ultrasound and my feelings were confirmed that our baby had died after carrying it for 16 weeks.  We had surgery the following morning and that was a hard thing in itself.  Many of you brought meals for our family which I greatly appreciate.  I was physically capable to do things, but emotionally I was not prepared for anything.  It was so nice to know that my family was being taken care of when I wasn't ready to deal with life.  We are so blessed to live in a ward that immediately steps in and helps when needed.  My children were so glad when someone came by to pick them up to play or to take them to ward functions.  I am so glad they were watched out for in their time of need as well.  They, too, experienced the loss and it was nice others were aware of them.  Many of you brought flowers or gifts and it was so great to look around and see my room looking like a floral and gift shop.  (Gifts is my love language. ) Many of you sent letters, cards, emails, and texts.  Even though I didn't respond to most of them I do appreciate them.  If I didn't respond it was probably because it was a particularly hard moment.  My days are getting better but I still struggle in a large crowd which is why I've been MIA... well, just hibernating in my house.  Please forgive me if I don't answer my door or phone... (Sometimes my family is "ignored" and a few of my siblings think I'm angry with them.)  I am much better with text or email and I am open for visitors for the most part as long as I know you are coming.  I know a lot of you want to come by but you aren't sure what to do or say in situations like this... quite frankly nobody does, not even me.  However, it does help to talk about it and it's healing in a way.  I am still grieving and it's something I have to deal with in my own way.  Thank you for being patient with me.  I love you all very much and am so grateful for all that you have done for me and my family.

-Ally Wyne

On a positive note, there were some very spiritual moments we have had within the healing process.  (Some of them are so very close to my heart that I won't share them to the public.)  For quite some time 2 members of our bishopric would come to our home and bless and pass the sacrament to me.  That showed me how much they care about our little family.  On a few occasions a friend of mine who is married to one of them said, "He (and I) felt the spirit so strongly in your home and it's been a neat thing to be there." Both Andy and I were given blessings by our stake president.  Andy was so grateful that he blessed him with discernment to know how to help, me mostly, to deal with everything.  In my blessing I had several questions answered.  It was one of the most unique blessings I've ever had and I felt that the Lord was speaking directly to me.  The last time I felt that way was when I received my patriarchal blessing.  It not only gave me answers to prayers but hope for the eternities.

It's amazing and sometimes frustrating to think that life will continue to go on no matter what.  I constantly tell my friends and family, "This is not something I will get over.  It's something I have to learn to live with."  I think of my baby every day and I don't know if that will ever change... I'm not sure I want that to change. For those 16 weeks I was filled with joy and even though I won't be able to cradle my baby in this life I believe I will in the next life and I want to remember the blessing it was in our home to have a spirit closer to heaven than we are.  The girls still ask in prayer to, "please bless the baby" which I find rather sweet.  They have hope and faith, too.

Here's a quick picture of the girls Easter morning.  My friend, Ginger, was so kind to take them to her house for an Easter celebration including an egg hunt... some even had money in them which is better than candy.  She then took them to church so that they didn't miss out on anything.  I thought they looked pretty cute!

There is promise the next posts will be more uplifting.  We've had a very busy summer and I will do my best to fill in the blanks... complete with pictures and maybe even video.