Positive Parenting Week 1

Take Time To Teach: Creating the Environment

1. Build on a positive foundation. As a parent be a coach, not a referee. The referee sees every mistake, calls them on it, and then gives them a penalty. A coach teaches them what they can and cannot do, and then they practice all week. Sometimes parents are constantly saying, "Don't, don't, don't!" Put a positive spin on things, "Shut the door quietly, please" instead of "Don't slam the door!" When your child is jumping on the couch tell them they may jump on the floor or outside on the trampoline.
2. Keep your word! Be honest and make it an absolute. Don't threaten your kids that if they touch "that" one more time you're going to cut their hand off! You obviously will not do that. If you tell your child you'll pick them up at 3:00, be there 5 minutes till. If you think you might be running late, tell them you'll try your best to be there at 3:00 but you'll probably be there a little later. If you tell them something and don't keep your word they trust you less and less.
3. Use the language of respect---Please and thank you. (This one I will gladly admit we usually don't have a problem with at home... It's the tone that we have a problem with. I said, "PLEASE!")
4. Use eye contact. Don't yell across the house for them to do or don't do something. Walk over to them and look them in the eye. For small children, get down on their level.
5. Use physical contact! (Angela chuckled and said, "Ally that doesn't mean you get to hit your kids!" She was joking, btw.) Touch their shoulder, give them a hug or kiss. They need it for their emotional growth. But don't expect too much in return. Even those children that give you the look of, "Don't touch me!" even need some sort of touch.
6. Keep your children out of the emotional corner. It becomes a power trip. If your child has gotten into the Oreo cookies and it's obvious because it's all over their face... Often we get upset and say, "Did you get into the cookies?" The child will look you straight in the face and say, "Nope!" They will lie to you! Instead try saying, "I see that you've been into the Oreo cookies. Those were for dessert and I guess you've already had yours."
7. Be on your child's side, always. You must always be your child's cheerleader. Build them up and encourage them.
8. Be at the crossroads. When they are leaving for school or coming home get up, greet them with a smile and a touch. You MUST be at the crossroads. That says, "I love you." Sister Tanner went on to say it's important for you to do this to your spouse. When Andy came home the other day I will admit it was hard for me to greet him with a smile. I was so upset about some things that he was responsible for and I failed in this area. I was too stubborn to smile at him... or give him a hug. The worst part is he didn't even think anything of it. He thought it was a normal day coming home from the office. We need to work on this one!
9. Learn to communicate---not control!

Our homework:

• Watch ourselves and see if we parent as a coach or a referee. I fully admit I am a referee parent. I seem to find everything my children do wrong. I've been trying hard to change that and remind myself that they are children, and human.
• Take one of the nine things above and work on it. First, recognize it, and then put forth the effort.
• Read Elder Bednar's talk "More diligent and concerned at home." Listen with both ears that hear and hearts that feel.

Sister Tanner's lesson was wonderful and there was a lot more that I could go into, but those were the things we were to work on this week. She also suggested reading Elder Ballard's talk "Daughters of God." I, too, recommend you read it. It is one of my favorite talks ever! I relate to so much of what he said. I went one step further and downloaded it onto my iPod. When I'm having a really bad day I put my headphones in so I don't have to hear everything going on around me and listen to his talk. Somehow, I tend to feel better.

This week I have been trying hard not to say, "Don't!" so much. Can I tell you how hard that is?! It has been such a struggle to put a positive spin on things. I thought I used eye contact appropriately enough, but I find that I do that when I'm upset and not other times. And I obviously need to be better about the crossroads with Andy. I am there for Sammy because I make sure she gets on and off the bus, but Andy is a big boy and he finds his own way home. I guess even big boys need hugs and kisses, too.