Another hard day...

As stated in the previous post we went in early this morning for surgery. We had to be there by 6:30 and I barely slept 3 hours last night. When we got there it took awhile before they took us back for pre-op. Finally we were able to meet with the doctor. We asked lots of questions and really he didn't have many answers. He said we could spend thousands upon thousands of dollars trying to find out why things happened the way they did to end up with the same answer, "We don't know." They rolled me in for surgery about 9 and thank goodness I was under general anesthesia so I just went to sleep. When I woke up I was pretty sore and my throat is a little tender, but not too bad. Soon after Andy was able to come back and sit with me. And then we were out of there about noon.

Sammy had lunch today with Aunt Brigetta and Grandma because she was student of the week. We learned from Brigetta that some child may have spilled the beans to Sammy, but didn't know for sure. Then just before the bus arrived I received a text from a friend saying that she saw Sammy at school and she had mentioned I was sick and Andy took me to the doctor. She asked if everything was okay and so on. From there Andy and I decided we needed to tell the girls before they heard the news from someone else.

Sammy came home from school and Brigetta dropped off Ashley and Katie. We told the girls that we needed to talk to them and to come sit on our bed. Sammy immediately said (in a very concerned tone), "Can we get to the point? What is wrong with mom? Why is she so sick?" We proceeded to tell the girls what happened yesterday and then today. Katie doesn't quite understand it all... but Sammy and Ashley both started to cry... then sob. They had a lot of questions that we tried our best to answer. We reminded them that our reason coming to this earth is to gain a body and that our little baby did what it needed. And because families are forever we will be with that baby again someday. Ashley said things like, "I wanted this baby to stay so badly. I wanted it to be with us so we could play with it." And Sammy said things like, "We were so close" and "It hurts so bad... in my heart." They are heartbroken just as much as Andy and I and Sammy amazes me with the things she asked. She is very bright and truly does understand everything going on. She was alone with me and said, "I just can't stop crying." I told her that was okay and that she can cry as long as she needed to. She then said, "Mom, I might cry at school." The poor girl is going to struggle with this just as I thought. I wish there was something I could do to help them. It's not easy going through this, but it's certainly just as hard to see my girls hurt for their loss, too.

Very Sad Day

For awhile I've been feeling like something was wrong with the baby, but kept shrugging it off since I didn't have any real reason to be worried. Yesterday, especially, my feeling was strong. By about 8 o'clock last night I was cramping... which I had happen before and went to bed early to rest and stay hydrated. My 16 week appointment was scheduled for Monday, but when I got up this morning the cramping was still pretty strong and I had a small amount of spotting. So I called the nurse and started crying. I told her I felt like something was wrong with my baby. She got me in for an ultrasound as soon as possible.

Andy came home from work and I took Katie over to Brigetta's house. As soon as the ultrasound tech put the Doppler on my tummy I knew... There wasn't a heartbeat and no movement whatsoever. She told me the dreaded news and I began to sob uncontrollably. We then met with the doctor and his nurse... Both were emotional, too. (I really do have the best care with them.) The doctor said he didn't know why our baby died, but assured me it had nothing to do with anything I did, even my running. We had already had 2 ultrasounds. And the last time I had gone in I had just done a 4 mile run and the baby looked great. The heartbeat was a steady and strong 154 and I was told I only had a 3% chance of miscarriage from that point.

Andy says he doesn't want to talk about it because he gets weepy. He never cries... and we've been through a lot. He says this one felt real for him and it's difficult to lose his baby, too. We aren't quite sure how or when to tell the girls. They were all so excited and wanted to tell everyone. Sammy was especially excited and would tell everyone. I worry that she's going to be heartbroken because she is old enough to understand what's going on. In fact when she came home from school today she felt something was wrong. She said, "Mom, you look really, really sick." Both Katie and Ashley would rub my belly and talk to the baby. Occasionally they would hug me, talk to the baby for a second, then kiss my tummy and run off to play.

I know in time we'll recover from this, too. We'll feel peace in the future, but for now it hurts our hearts. We appreciate all the words of comfort people have already sent... but please, please don't feel offended if we don't answer doors or phones. It's hard to deal with things like this and nobody really knows what to do or say, and neither do we. I go in for surgery tomorrow morning and hopefully we can have more answers.

We love you very much our darling baby and will miss you tremendously. We will think of you often and look to the day we will be reunited. Love, Mommy, Daddy, and all your big sisters.

Prayers for Gordon

Our dear neighbor, Gordon, who lives across the street is in need of prayers. He was in a serious accident Friday night involving his mixer for his pottery (much like a cement mixer). He was taken to St. Als by life flight and was in surgery the whole night. He later was flown to SLC for further care. We just received word that he is out of the ICU, but will have more surgeries on his arm and leg. Things are looking good that he will keep his arm, but it's still a long road ahead of him. He makes steps of progress, but good thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated.

Gordon is the neighborhood "daddy". He is always out in his front yard, garage, or studio surrounded by lots of little kids. My girls spend several hours at a time over at their house and Ashley and his daughter, Gracie, (shown above) are the best of friends. Gordon is so kind to the kids and lets them interact with what he's doing. My girls have lots of little pottery things that he's helped them make. And the street seems a bit lonely with him away.

Amy, his wife, is currently with him and emails or texts when she can. Their daughters are in the care of their aunt and away from the house. This is something they are all struggling with and are need of prayers as well.

We love you all and remember you in our daily prayers.

9 Years!

Thursday Andy and I had our 9 year anniversary. We celebrated in low key... super low. We dropped the kids off at grandma's house and went to dinner at PF Chang's. It's not a favorite for either of us, not to say we don't like it, but my SIL just gave us a gift card to there and we decided to be cheap. After dinner we picked up the kids, put them to bed, snuggled up together, and watched one of our favorite shows... Survivor! Yep, that was it and we were so happy and chill about it. We're so glad we celebrated on our actual anniversary because the weekend got crazy!

Morning picture

What did I tell you? This picture was taken this morning... well, about noon today. Like I said, I double in size by bedtime. The picture from the last post was taken last night! Crazy, huh?

11 Weeks

Just had to post a quick picture to show my 11 week belly. It's getting big already! I really should take morning and night pictures, though. I swear by bedtime I double in size. This morning I barely had a bump at all and then by evening and after dinner this is what I look like. Thank goodness my ankles haven't doubled in size... not yet at least.

It took WAY longer than we thought, but....

Katie has a new shirt to show off! I apologize for the incredibly blurry and horrible pictures. I can't find my camera so I'm stuck using my phone. And in case you can't tell what the shirt actually says... this might help you figure it out. It still makes me laugh the test line came out darker than the control line.

(Due September 23rd which puts me at 9 weeks today.)

I feel kind of bad waiting to post this after so many of you said such nice things about my previous post. However, since we have miscarried 3 times back to back I wanted to wait long enough to know that the baby was doing fine. I had my second ultrasound on Friday and the baby looks great! The heartbeat was a little low with the first one, but it's now at a perfect rate of 141! (That is right smack in the middle of the range it should be in.) And in case you are wondering how I am feeling... pretty yucky actually. I've been nauseated a LOT! So much that I get to the point that I want to throw up, but it never happens. Most foods make it worse, but if I don't eat (beside that being stupid) it makes it worse, too. Right now I'm just battling what foods I can tolerate. I don't remember ever being this sick so Andy is keeping his fingers crossed that means it's a boy. And I'm just counting down till the first trimester is over. On another note, I've started to get a pooch already. I was wearing maternity clothes at about 11 weeks with Katie. It wasn't that I was huge, I just couldn't fit into my jeans anymore. I've already started the rubber banding of my jeans because I can't... I won't... wear maternity clothes this early. Plus I don't even know where most of them are. It's been nearly 5 years since I've worn them! We are thrilled about the baby and the girls are pretty excited, too. Even Katie warmed up to the idea after being around a newborn for a few hours. Both Sammy and Ashley want a baby brother and Katie wants a baby sister. I just want it to be healthy and to survive the pregnancy despite what Andy says. He thinks I desperately want another girl.

Okay, now I have to tell the funniest story that happened several weeks ago. I told Katie early in the pregnancy because she was being so sweet with the newborn I mentioned. Later I figured she forgot since she kept it a secret from her sisters. Well, one day I had Ashley and Katie with me while at Costco. As I was putting things in the cart Ashley asked me what "those" were. I told her they were baby wipes. She then asked why we needed them. Before I could answer (or give her an excuse) Katie said, "Because mommy has a baby in her tummy." Ashley looked at me and then looked at Katie and said, "Katie, just because mommy's tummy is squishy doesn't mean there's a baby in it." The little stinker! I know I can stand to lose some weight, but sheesh! I've also heard comments like, "I heard she's showing quite a bit already" and, "Aren't you 6 months along?" I know I'm chubby... but just you wait, ladies! I will surprise all of you when I am 6 months along and you will think I'm overdue by 2 weeks. Here's a shock... I'm short! I only have about 2 inches of room between the top of my hip bone and the bottom of my rib cage. I don't carry high or low. I carry EVERYWHERE!!! Pictures to prove my point will be posted in the future.

More pictures of Sammy's baptism

My friend took some snap shots to remember the day. Below is a picture of Andy's side of the family that was there. My side had already taken off to open the doors to my house. Others that were there included: my mom, Dale, Ashana, Brinton, and Trent, Brigetta and her kids (Brandon missed the baptism because of work, but came later to the dinner), the Shuck family, Ginger and Sophia Mecham, Angela Thueson and girls, Wadsworth family, Amanda and Carly Young, Becky and Courtney Klotther, Shawn Graham, Erin and Quincy Keller, and the Eisley family.

The 2 girls that got baptised!

Sammy and her Daddy!

I LOVE this picture of the two of them. So sweet!

This one is for Jen (and Jason)...

I'm trying to track you down! I know you check my blog every now and then because you leave me comments. However, every time I try and check your blog it kicks me out because it's private. I didn't check my email in time to confirm the invite and now I have no idea how to get a hold of you. Ah! I miss you and I miss seeing how your cute family is doing. Anyway, if you read this please, please, please email me at wynefamily@msn.com and I will get back to you so we can reconnect. (Btw, this is not the email to invite me to your blog.)

Our first child baptized

Our sweet little Sammy was baptized this Saturday (Feb. 4, 2012). She has been preparing for this day for a very long time. She could hardly contain her excitement. In fact she was hopping down the isle in the chapel on the way to her seat. She seemed to be a little irreverent, but she was just so thrilled it was all she could do not to shout for joy!Our niece, Kelsie, came from Boise to share this day with us for a combined baptism. Her dad, Doug, performed her baptism.

(Andy, Sammy, Kelsie, and Doug)

It was so sweet to see the both of them come out of the font. Both had tears in their eyes, smiling, and filled with the spirit. They both looked so beautiful.
It was such a wonderful day filled with peace and love. I think it was the first day the girls have spent the whole day without fighting or arguing. And I have noticed a difference in Sammy already. I think she tries really hard to be a peacemaker now and have the spirit with her constantly. It has been really wonderful these last few days.

Can you tell which pictures were taken from my camera phone and which one is professional?

More pictures to come and things remembered that day. We love you Sammy and are so proud of the wonderful decisions you make. Thank you for being a good example to your siblings.

Is anyone else experiencing the same thing?

Every time I try and change the background of my blog it shows up plain white and then a small square pops up that says, "Look who's popular..." Has anyone else out there had this problem? I can't seem to figure out how to fix it. If you happen to know how will you please help me? Thank you!!! I'm kind of tired of seeing, "Ho Ho Ho" on my blog. It's February for crying out loud!

This one is for journal purposes...

I debated on whether or not I should blog about this... but I feel I need to for journal purposes. In October one night I was so sick to my stomach and had a quick thought of, "Hm, I haven't had a period in awhile. Maybe I should take a pregnancy test." Keeping in mind we had already been trying for 2 years. And me being late was not a surprise since I had a cyst rupture in August and I spotted all month long. The next morning I got up for church and took a pregnancy test (one of those HCG type). After I took the test I realized there weren't directions as to how to read the results. I called my friend, Sarah, and asked her how I would know. She said, "Well, I am pretty sure that if there is only one line then it's negative. If there are two lines, it's positive. What does it say?" I was shocked! There were two lines!!! One was faint, but it was there! Andy couldn't believe it either so he asked me to do another test... sure enough, two lines again.

We went to church as a family and both Andy and I could hardly contain ourselves. I was smiling the whole time and Andy won't admit it, but he was too. We were so excited that we even started looking at cars with 3rd row seats online after church. We talked a ton about the baby and when it would be due, what we should name it, and if we thought it was a boy or a girl.

Later that evening I went to listen to Sister Beck. She came to speak to our region and it was crazy packed in the church!!! We went an hour early and barely got a seat. I was so impressed by all the things she talked about but the thing that stood out the most was when she talked about the atonement. She said, "When we are filled with joy... that's the atonement." My heart was so full of joy I couldn't keep it in anymore. I began to cry and at that moment I truly felt the atonement and the love of the Savior.

The next morning I got up at 5:00 to go run with my friend. As I went to the bathroom I immediately started to bleed. After cleaning up I climbed back into bed and Andy said, "I thought you were going running." I started to sob and he then said, "What's the matter?" I told him what happened and he put his arms around me and just held me. The doctor's office didn't open till 8:00 so there was nothing I could do for 3 hours.... so I just cried. Andy stayed with me till he couldn't wait any longer to get to work and that was great for me.

Once I was able to get a hold of my doctor's nurse she set up an appointment for me to have an ultrasound and a visit with the doctor. Andy joined me and we went in for the ultrasound. All they could tell me at that point was that there was a blood clot. It didn't mean anything to them except that it could be really early in the pregnancy that nothing has formed yet, or that I really did lose the baby and they have no idea how far along I was. I visited with the doctor and he said that we needed to get my blood tested to see if my beta levels were going up or down. So we headed over to the lab to draw my blood.

Wednesday rolled around and I still hadn't heard from the nurse so I gave her a quick call. She called back and said, "Did you come back in for another test this morning or was it just Monday?" I told her I was only instructed to do it Monday (I even asked the lab tech if I needed to come back in later). She was a little surprised and said, "Well, anything above a 5 is a positive pregnancy. You were at a 35. I need you to come back in tomorrow and test your blood again to see if those levels are going up or down." She gave me her direct number and told me to call her a few hours after I went in and she would have my chart with her.

That evening I had to go to our joint mutual activity since Beehives were in charge. We had planned to go to the corn maze which is something I always look forward to... it didn't seem to have the same excitement. Even the bishop asked if everything was okay. I told him, "Please don't ask questions. I don't want to cry right now." He asked, "Is everything okay at home?" It dawned on me that he probably thought my marriage was struggling or something similar. So I answered, "Our marriage is fine, our girls are fine. Just please don't ask anymore questions because I will start to cry." He left it at that... but I still cried to my friend, Sarah, in the corn maze.

Thursday morning I went in to get tested again. It seemed to be the longest few hours of my life waiting for the results. I called the nurse and she said she would call back as soon as she got the results. Shortly after she called and told me that my levels had gone down to a 25. I wasn't that surprised since I knew in my heart that I had already lost the baby, but there was still that glimmer of hope I was hanging on to. Sarah happened to be at my house helping me prepare for our Halloween party the next day. She seemed to be more emotional about it that I did, but I so hate to cry in front of people. Once she left I began to sob and could not stop. And later my friend, Erin, stopped by to see how I was doing. (She also knew everything that was going on.) I explained what happened and she said, "Cancel the party! Nobody cares about the money. Or just post pone it." I told her my reasons why it was still on and she said, "Okay, but if anyone says anything negative to you... you just point and I'll kick them in the face!" I laughed and thanked her... because it might be something I needed the next day.

Friday evening rolled around and I was not looking forward to all of the party coming together. It was a lot of work and usually at the moment everyone starts coming in costume I get really excited. And we usually have awesome costumes we keep secret till that night, but we were completely out of the mood that we dressed up as marathoners. We wore our St. George marathon shirts, medals, and sunglasses. It was totally lame, but I didn't care. Right at the beginning I lost it and started yelling at some guy that I know was joking... but I couldn't handle even the smallest bit of sarcasm. After that everything else went well for the most part. Everyone that talked to me afterward said it was so much fun. My response was, "I'm glad we can go out with a bang."

It was probably the most emotional week I've ever had, but the more I am able to talk about it the more I feel at peace. I don't know why I've lost 3 babies, but I have faith that the Lord has a plan for our family and I will understand it later. It might be in this life or not, but I know someday I will understand.

I thought we were getting over the hard part of healing when we took a turn. In November I attended our ward's Fabulous Friday (like a Super Saturday). Just before I left my stomach started to hurt a bit. I blew it off as indigestion. The whole time I sat and listened to the speaker I felt very uncomfortable. We went into the gym to work on our crafts and still laughed and had a good time visiting with friends, but I was still hurting. Brook turned to me and said, "You better get that fixed because we are still going running in the morning!" I laughed and told her I really did want to run with her. After awhile I thought, "Okay, this is getting a little ridiculous. I need to get up and walk around. Maybe some movement will help." I took about three steps and Brigetta must have seen it in my face. She said, "I need to wash my hands anyway, I'll go to the bathroom with you." As we walked down the hall she asked if I was okay. I told her my stomach hurt really bad, but thought I'd try going to the bathroom to see if that helped. I was wrong!!! I happened to be wearing my baggy pants and afterwards I couldn't even zip them up! Brigetta said, "I'll go gather up your stuff and pull your car around." After she walked out of the bathroom I had a rancid feeling in my stomach and felt like I was going to pass out. I looked in the mirror and saw my face go ghostly white. I started to sit down and completely collapsed. Brigetta didn't have her cell so I texted my friend, Melissa, to come help me. She walked in and said, "Is this a joke?" (Andy thought that was a dedicated joke to lay down on the bathroom floor.) I assured her it was not and that something was wrong but I didn't know what. Brigetta came back and helped Melissa get me out of the bathroom. We tried getting to the car but it seemed near impossible. Brigetta finally said, "This is ridiculous! I'm going to take your girls to my house and I'm sending Andy back to take you to the emergency room." Melissa waited with me and I felt like an idiot since the only position I could stand being in was on my hands and knees. For some reason it felt like it relieved some pressure. In fact that is how I rode to the hospital when Andy arrived.

It took us 20 minutes to get from our car to the ER doors because I could only take a baby step or two and then I would stop. The staff came out and asked if I needed a wheel chair but I refused because it hurt to sit. Once we got inside they had a bed waiting to wheel me into the room. They ran a tests on my blood, got me started on an IV, and got morphine in my system. The doctor came in and told me, "Your blood work came back stone cold normal." I was already irritated with him because he seemed to look at me like I was being a baby about a stomach ache. So then they did a CAT scan which I was very reluctant to do because I knew they were extremely expensive. They insisted that is what they needed to do. The doctor came back to the room and said, "The radiologist needs to take a look to make sure I'm not missing anything minor, but it looks like you have gas and a backed up stool system." At that point I was freaking ticked off! (He must have heard me griping to Andy through the crack in the door.) I told Andy that was a load of crock! Andy tried to explain that sometimes their hospice patients are in the most pain when they are trying to have a bowel movement. I didn't disagree with that, but I am very regular... and I didn't think gas pains would make you pass out in the bathroom. The doctor came back in the room and said, "Well, it looks like you have a lot of free standing fluid in your abdomen and left fallopian tube. We'll need to do an ultrasound. They'll have to insert the probe vag---" I cut him off and said, "I know how it works!" He then asked if I had any questions. I told him, no, I just needed to go to the bathroom really bad. He left and when the nurse came in she said, "Okay, it's best if this is done with a full bladder." I said, "You're kidding me!" She was surprised and asked why I said that. I responded, "Well, because I just emptied it... twice!!!" So then they decided to put a catheter in and fill up my bladder!!! Then I had to wait about 30 minutes before I was taken in for the ultrasound. When I got in there the tech said, "Oh, my goodness. They didn't need to do this. It's best if your bladder is empty." I was on fire I was so mad! I went to the bathroom and then she proceeded with the ultrasound. It hurt so bad I cried through the whole thing. They concluded that I had a cyst rupture. They sent me home with pain med and anti nausea prescriptions and told me to make a follow up appointment with my OB/Gyn. We got home about 4:00 in the morning and it was still a long night with the pain.

Monday morning I went in to see the doctor for my follow up. They did 2 more ultrasounds and then I visited with the doctor. He said, "I wanted to do the ultrasounds to cover all my bases before I operated." He continued to ask how the pain was and then explained that it was a corpus luteum cyst that ruptured through a blood vessel. I had no idea what that was and how it was different from any other cyst. He said that a corpus luteum is in the ovary when an egg is released. If the egg is fertilized it stays in there and gives nutrients to the placenta. If the egg doesn't get fertilized or if you miscarry then it's supposed to dissolve and go away on it's own. In my case it filled up and ruptured through a blood vessel. He told me that is why it was so painful and that I will be in a lot of pain for awhile. It takes most women 7-10 days to recover. He sent me home free of charge for the ultrasounds and visit with more pain meds and more anti-nausea pills. Apparently I was lucky because a lot of times when that happens the ovary will twist. I even talked to a gal in my ward who said she had had one and they ended up removing her whole ovary.

I was flat on my back for a full week! Any time I would sit up I would get extremely nauseated after about half an hour. It was so frustrating because I felt like I would be less stir crazy if I could do some cross stitching or something, but I couldn't even sit up. I now have a new respect for anyone who is on bed rest. Andy was teasing me at the end because I got so bored I started watching Glee! Thank goodness I had at least Netflix to keep me company.

Brigetta and Sarah were so great to step in and take my kids because I couldn't take care of them myself. Bless Andy's heart... he would get the girls off to school and then pick them up on his way home from work. He would come home, make dinner, help with homework, bathe the girls, and get them off to bed. He was literally being daddy and mommy the whole week... plus waiting on me. I'm not sure how, but he made it through and didn't complain at all.

This is the reason I've stayed away from blogging for awhile, but if you are still reading you deserve a medal! We are back to normal around here and the holidays were good. We spent Thanksgiving in Utah with the Wyne's side and stayed here for Christmas with my mom and family. We spent an evening with Mindy and her family just before the new year since Andy's parents were in town, and then we spent New Year's Eve with friends at our house. Life seems to be crazy, but back to routine.

Katie... the little stinker!

Last week Brigetta and I were going shopping for a few last minute Christmas gifts. Just before she showed up I asked Andy about my outfit and after some critiquing I changed my pants. I was about to walk out the door when Katie came running down the stairs yelling at me, "Wait! Mom, are you wearing your glasses? I told you they don't look good with your outfit." What a little stinker! It's not like I could go without those... sorry girl!

Katie has been a little more than sassy lately and a recent comment that made my jaw hit the floor needs a little background. She likes to wear her skirts up to her chest... yes, they often look like tube tops. I'm sorry, but I don't care what age you are they are not appropriate and especially not for a 4 year old. Granted she does wear pants under them so it's not completely immodest. However, I am constantly telling her to pull it down around her waist. One day I told her yet again to pull her skirt down. She said, "Mom, this is the way I like to wear them and you just have to deal with it." Oh, yes, it was said complete with the sassy head shake and all!

I don't know for sure, but I think I might be in a little bit of trouble. Andy and I don't even want to think about what the teenage years will bring!

Look Who's 8!

Happy Birthday Sammy! We hope that today is filled with fun and giggles! We love you and are so proud of the good choices you make in your life. You bring joy to our family and we are so glad you were born! Here are a few pictures of our cute Sammy.

Family Pictures!

I've been a slacker and haven't posted these sooner. My wonderful friend, Becky, has taken so many great photos of my girls and our family. Here are some of my favorites. And if you like what you see go to www.becloserphotography.blogspot.com and contact her for your own session. Thanks so much Becky, we love them!!!

These two were from Ashley's birthday photo shoot.